Thursday, June 21, 2007

Wake Me When It's Over

It's just that I'm tired, is all.
This has been quite a year, and everything has felt like a monumental struggle and flailing around in the dark, hoping to get it right.
I want to make good choices, with money and time, and decisions about where and how we live, and the kind of work I do.

This year I've put a lot of effort into those things, but somehow they are not resolving clearly, the way I thought they would, and I'm left in a situation wondering if I'm trying too hard to get something to work that is just not meant to.
My energy is diffused over a wide area - getting this house ready to rent/us packed to move, finding a new house, earning money, writing a business plan, caring for the kids, figuring out how to get to/pay for school - mine and theirs.
Inevitably I'm up way too late, sewing or writing or packing, but after seven hours of dead sleep I'm awake and ready to go, albeit in a cold sweat.

Yesterday I started to read a book I've been wanting to read for ages, and kept forgetting to order from the library, called Expecting Adam by Martha Beck. I went to the library to do some work and it was on the shelf next to me. I recommend reading it yourself, because it's quite the story, but my experience from reading it was that I began to feel better, and more connected to the unseen forces at work in our lives.
The book describes well that we are never alone, and only need to ask for help to be given. I've known that for years, but sometimes when things are not easy or working out the way you expected, it's easy to think that everything is on your shoulders alone.

Yesterday was a good day then, and maybe a turning point, because Belle and I also had a happy thrifting experience, including finding this lovely girl for just $5.

I know nothing about her except that her clothes are handmade, and her back is whipstitched closed, again, by hand. But her face is like a painted canvas mask, so she is not someones kitchen table project, I don't think. I love her beautiful face and the color of her clothes, but I want to know more about her. Does anyone know about a doll like this? The sight, as well as the weight and heft of her, make me quite happy.
Also, in the good news department, I found out today that the kids school is giving us a HUGE break on tuition, and my girls and I made strawberry jam.
So the details are good, but the big picture is fuzzy. And I'm still just really, really like- swimming- through- molasses, tired.


Anonymous said...

A lovely op shop find....she looks like a litte Dutch girl from what I can see of her cap.

Good news about the tuition..and homemade strawberry jam-yum!..perfect with toast and lots of butter and hot tea!

Love Ma

Maureen said...

I hope you learn more about your gorgeous doll.....she reminds me of a "Dutch doll" I had mid last century........although I don't think mine had such a pretty face!
It's not an oilcloth type fabric that's been used is it.......I seem to remember reading "something" somewhere.
And thanks to your Mum for introducing me to your blog......I do enjoy reading it.