Saturday, March 29, 2008

Same Blog, Different Life

I've not stopped writing this blog because of neglect, laziness or indifference, although you could be forgiven for thinking so. Late last year my life changed dramatically, and although I continued with blogging the way I had been, casting our family in a happy, slightly wacky and creative light (which we were and still are), all through the fall I was struggling with a choice I made which altered our family forever.

At a certain point I couldn't continue what felt like a farce, and stopped posting. Then I went to Australia to see my family and posted a new blog so that my kids could keep track of my visit. Not at all a substitute for this one, I'm afraid, but at least a reminder of what I had loved doing. I still struggled with reconciling the blog I had started with the reality of my life now, and whether I could honestly share the truth instead of the airbrushed life I created here last year.

D and I have separated, and likely will not live together again. The reasons are not earth shattering, and I know many who can't understand how I could have made this choice, considering all the myriad implications, especially those concerning the children. Believe me, I struggle every day with this, and will continue to.

It has been a long six months, this winter. I have been elated, struck numb with horror, deeply confused, devastated, stupid, and wildly joyous. Sometimes all in the same day.
Then yesterday I did something painful but necessary to put myself on track again for where I am going. I slept deeply, the knot in my stomach eased. When I woke this morning birds were singing their morning chorus and the sun slanted across my bed. I live in a little town that I love, and spring is coming. I adore my children and will do all I can to give them a rich full life, even if it not the one we all ordered. And I have things to do. Like post my blog again, this time the real version.

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